Introspection
by Little-Firestar84
Summary: Collection of episode tags, flash-fic and drabbles following each episode of season 4, mostly Jane/Lisbon. What they thought, their reflections and fears about what happened, and may have happened, along the episodes, and what we may have wanted to see. Now complete from ep 4.01-4.24
1. Scarlet Ribbons

A/n- my new work? a collection of post-ep flash fics based on things characters (jane and Lisbon) may or not may think about happenings... with that, keep in mind: spoilers for the whole season 4.

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><p><strong><em><span>4.1 -SCARLET RIBBONS<span>_**

He told her the truth. No compromises. For once, he didn't lie. At all. And this time… she didn't even have to ask for the truth. He just looked at her in the eyes, and he told her.

"He is alive"

She didn't believe him. Maybe, she still doesn't. or maybe, simply… she can't care. Or she doesn't want to allow herself to believe it, because if Timothy Carter wasn't Red John, then… then, it's just a man, killed in cold blood for nothing. And if Carter died for nothing, then, the man she got to know, tried to protect is no more. If red john is still out there, and Jane is free, and failed to kill the monster, then… then, he can't really be free. He is free in the body, but in the soul, locked in a cage without exit, a life sentence he put on himself. And if Red John is still alive, it's for nothing.

If Red John is alive, and Jane killed the wrong man, and he is still ready to kill, then… then, she has failed. She couldn't control him, she'll never be able to.

She failed. She still does. She wonders if, at the end, she'll bury one, two or none. She doesn't know why, but she is scared to admit that she has any hope left. Many days, she thinks she'll bury Jane along with Red John. And that day, she'll bury once and for all her heart as well, closing her off from any feelings once and for all. Something that not Sam, her mother, or her father's deaths, combined, managed.


	2. Little Red Book

A/n- my new work? a collection of post-ep flash fics based on things characters (jane and Lisbon) may or not may think about happenings... with that, keep in mind: spoilers for the whole season 4.

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><p><strong><em>4.2-Little Red Book<br>_**

He remembers his time in the asylum. It hasn't been nice, and there was one thing in particular he got to hated back there: routine. Every day were the same things, the same people, the same drugs, again and again and again. They thought it could keep him grounded, giving him a sense of familiarity, but… he just hated it. Because routine wasn't something he was.

Routine has been a constant of his early years, when he traveled the carnie with his father. Every day, the same tricks, the same stage, the same numbers. Only the people, the marks changed, but still, they were the same at the same time. So different, and yet, so equal among themselves. And he hated them. He hated them because they allowed him to con them, and he hated conning people, but it's not like he had such a choice. Not back then.

But then… with money and fame, he could do everything he wanted. He was the only master of his existence, nobody to answer to. Not even his own family- which he kind of regrets. And when everything went south… routine yet again. Waking up. Drugs. Breakfast. Talking. Lunch. Air hour. Drugs. Dinner. Drugs. Bed. All to keep him grounded- and keep him grounded they did. Only… it got worse. Because he couldn't stop to think, to remember, to see them, their butchered bodies. All because of him, his only fault.

He bought his way out with words and looks, and swore to God: he wasn't going to get caged once again, wasn't going to be again a prisoner of his personal internal world, wasn't going to get caught on that hideous routine he so much hated- only the ritual of tea was allowed, sacred exception. But, then…

He almost lost Lisbon, in every possible sense of the word. He almost lost her to death- at the hand of Craig O'Laughlin- and he almost lost her because his boss' boss' boss wanted to prove him a point. And only now, looking at her putting her things back together in her office, he sees it. He missed her, her very presence, in that very place. Because staying with her at her place has been good, but this… it's different. This is where she belongs. This is where he wants her to belong, where he needs her to be, where he craves her- as scary as the thought is.

Because he wasn't kidding. She keeps him grounded, she tries her best to be his moral compass, she…maybe she doesn't control him, but at least she damage-controls his actions, and it' enough. For now. A positive influence, he said. And it's true.

He missed her. Brining her coffee, or a bear claw from Marie's. randomly complimenting her. Driving with her. Working with her. Listen to her complaining about his sleeping habits. The only routine he craves.


	3. Pretty Red Baloon

A/n- my new work? a collection of post-ep flash fics based on things characters (jane and Lisbon) may or not may think about happenings... with that, keep in mind: spoilers for the whole season 4.

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><p><em><strong>4.3 Pretty Red Balloon<strong>_

He doesn't like thinking about his time as a psych, he is… uncomfortable. He doesn't know why, but every time he thinks about it, he feels yet again like when he was just a teenager, a pawn in his father's hands, selling stories and useless stuff to dying girls - maybe it's that so-called conscience Lisbon and Van Pelt keep talking about, his "soul".

At first, as a kid, he found it funny, then, he understood what he was doing, but he still had to do it (his father's fists, his belt, were convincing enough), then, it was because he and Angie had to survive somehow, and that was the only thing he was good at. He kept saying he was doing it for a good reason, helping his family to make it, to put food in the plate. The sense of guilt kept lingering for a while. Just for a while, though.

Because, then, people started to talk, and everybody wanted to ask for his advice. First, it was just young girls, then their mothers, the maids of the rich people of California. And then, the maids told their bosses about him, and it was the rich people who asked for his advice, the wife and the husband, the lawyer and the housewife, the businessman and the mistress. Everybody wanted to talk with the wonderful psych Patrick Jane, even the press and the television and the Force. And they had money, so much money, more than they needed… more than he had ever seen.

And that's when he stopped to care, to feel guilty. Until… until that night. He lost everything, everyone he had ever cared for. And if he didn't have them at his side any longer, why the money? He didn't need it, and besides, it was all the money's fault. His, and the money's. suddenly, everything he had ever craved, turned into something he hated, couldn't stand.

(He still can't.)

He doesn't like the man he was, and he doesn't care about the one he is right now- he isn't even a man, he just exists, not alive, but not even really dead, but that man, the one he was before, he hates him for the lies and the pain he caused.

He wonders if it means he is a better man, even if it's blood his heart craves- the blood and the life belonging to Red John. Maybe he is still just the same man. Only, he has another obsession (another addiction, like he once told) , not money and fame, but revenge and blood and death.

His first addiction got his family murdered- a family by blood, a family by the means of law. He wonders what this one will do, who'll have to pay the ultimate price, in this new family Lisbon claims he created with them (and he knows she is right, he painfully knows it). He hopes he'll be the one to fall, because they don't deserve it. Like he doesn't deserve them.


	4. Ring Around The Rosie

A/n- my new work? a collection of post-ep flash fics based on things characters (jane and Lisbon) may or not may think about happenings... with that, keep in mind: spoilers for the whole season 4.

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><p><em><strong>4.4 Ring Around The Rosie<br>**_

He isn't dumb, he is everything but that, just plays the part sometimes, and if people can't get in their heads, can't see behind his mask, behind their stupid clichés….

He worked, still is working, hard to get where he is, to keep achieving his goals, to show everybody that he is a better man than his own father, that he isn't merely his father's son. But that's not why he joined the Police, even if people keeps thinking that, even his own father- for him, just a rebel, for the others, just another boy who wanted to impress people without even really been capable of it.

But that's not the case. There were thousands of things he could have done with his life, but he choose Police. He choose police because it was the right thing, because it felt good, it felt…. Right. He loved being helpful, and that he could show that he wasn't his father, that he could do better, that he could be good…. that, it simply was another added bonus.

It still is, actually, and that's probably why he wants to be more, to become more. He is pretty young, but he has achieved already a lot in his career, and there's nothing that he wishes more than keeping scoring – that's why, a lot of times, he'd rather prefer dying that agreeing in follow one of Jane's schemes.

The man already ruined for good Lisbon's career, and is doing a pretty good job with Cho and Grace, poor, broken Grace, so lost in her own sufferance that she can't see how he is manipulating all of them, how he sued them. (not that she could actually saw it back then, before, too young, too inexpert, too naïve).

He wears a mask, he plays the fool for their own benefit, but he is everything but that, he is good, and he knows it. He proved himself time after time, and he is still doing so. And if they can't see it…

What makes him really suffer is knowing that his best friend can't see past the façade, doesn't want to. Cho's words, his simple statement ("You got used to it, working with a guy who's barely qualified"), he knows they were meant to be about himself… and it's just another added sufferance, another broken piece of his soul to add to the mix.

One of these days, he'll let it go, of this, of them. But not today.

Today, they still need him. And Jane has just showed him one of his schemes.


	5. Blood and Sand

A/n- my new work? a collection of post-ep flash fics based on things characters (jane and Lisbon) may or not may think about happenings... with that, keep in mind: spoilers for the whole season 4.

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><p><em><strong>4.5 Blood and Sand<br>**_

She doesn't know why, but when he comes back and joins her on the ferry, Jane is smiling- of a sad smile, but genuine, not the façade, the mask he always wears for them.

He looks away, probably ashamed of being unable to focus enough to control his own emotions, always the performer, even after so long he isn't any longer on a stage (or maybe, life is a stage for him, and they are all actors playing the role he gave them), and she sees him focused on the sea, waves strolling beneath them.

She cringes, closing her eyes, cursing the sea and the case- she hates boats, she has been raised on the land, far away from the sea, and just because there's a lake in Chicago, doesn't mean she went there on boats – and then, she inspires deeply, thinking about everything but here and now.

Her fist closes around her necklace, her beloved cross, like she did so many times, like she often does (just few months ago, she kept it in her hands, preying while a madman menaced to switch on the bomb attacked to her body) and memories of a happier time fill her mind, making her smile a little- a sad smile like Jane's, followed by few silent tears.

She doesn't know what Jane is thinking about, she just hopes that he is thinking about something…. Happy, but with a bittersweet aftertaste (happy memories always are, if you've lost the one you cared about), like she does right now.

They leave the island at their backs, the island of the new beginnings. She wonders if that's what Jane is thinking about right now, a new beginning, and she wonders if he'll ever have it, if he'll ever get the necessary closure from his past to move on with the rest of his life.

But maybe, she shouldn't think about it. Not when sometimes she doubts she has moved on at all since she was just a kid.


	6. Where in the world is Carmine O'Brien?

_**4.6 Where in the world is Carmine O'Brien?**_

_The tackle is hot. _

He looks at her from the semi-opened door, taking a good look at Lisbon – Teresa – putting down the murderous kid, forcing him on the soil. Her face is red, she is disheveled, her breathing comes out in little puffs as she straddles the criminal, sitting on his back, handcuffing him.

_Man, the tackle is really, really, hot…_

A flash of her takes him full force- flashes, actually. Fragments of porcelain-like skin revealing themselves between pieces of pink lace and chiffon (and who knows what else the dress for Van Pelt's wedding was supposed to be made of) are mixed with images of her and this guy and… and with things that aren't. and maybe will never be. Questions, so many questions…

Does she like to use her on duty handcuffs in bed? (She does, he reflects, and she'd love to use them on him even more. Because she has control issues, and she hates when he strips her of her power). Does he keeps her eyes closed or open while in throes of passion?(Open, to check on the effect she has on the guy) Does she like to be on top on beneath her men? (Top, straddling him- again, control issues) How does she breath? How does her face look like?

_No_

He plays with his ring without even really noticing it, gulping down a mouthful of saliva, trying to push away the thoughts. He shouldn't think about it, shouldn't consider her more than what she is, shouldn't want more than he can have, not when being greedy destroyed his life in the first place.

His eyes fall on Annie and her father, Tommy Lisbon (so similar to his sister in the colors, but not in the eyes, they aren't as green as Teresa's), and he smiles at her - happy, honest, a little proud, and it's even scarier. Physical attraction, he knows it's, it's biological, he has experienced it after his wife, even if he never did anything about it. He can w ill his body and mind to shout down, to forget the sinful images, the lust-filled fantasies, but affection, it's not so easy. And he ash never been that good when it come to dealing with his own emotions.

Butterflies takes control of his stomach in the same instant fear does. He wonders when exactly he started to get this close to them, to her, to see them as family when he has always refused to, fighting oh so many times over it with Lisbon.

Caring isn't good. Loving, at any level, isn't good., not for him, at least. He lost the right to feel anything remotely close to that over 8 years ago, and Red John has been adamant, in intentions if not with words: he isn't going to allow him to have such an happiness back, can't have Jane lose his focus from his, their, main objective, that sordid game of live and death that's going on between the two of them since words that wasn't supposed to be said left the charlatan's mouth. People getting close to him get hurts, and when they do, he is the one paying the ultimate sacrifice- the last one standing, the one left behind, alive.

But he is into deep right now. And he doesn't know if he'll have the strength to say no to them, to this newfound family of his.

That is scary.


	7. Blinking Red Light

_**4.7 Blinking Red Light  
><strong>_

The red, blinking light of the camera hypnotizes him. He stares at it, lost in time, lost in another world. The past, so long, but never forgotten. How could he? That was the day Patrick Jane, psychic, husband and father died. And it was the day he lost everything, humanity- if he ever had any – included, and rising from those ashes, came a changed man, an avenger in the making, not someone who would put things right, just someone following a dark path of vengeance. His Annie and Charlie, dead because of his words in front of a camera, Kristina Frey, who's lost to herself because she dared to taunt the killer on television, the same mistake he did. And even Dylan, Ruth and Wesley, all dead because they tried to transform him in something he wasn't, isn't, maybe.

Because he is Red John, not the subject of some sordid horror movie. Because he is Red John, not to be used to cover crimes. Because he is Red John, not to be talked about to make money or increase popularity.

And then… then, he turns, slightly, his eyes falling on James Panzer.

James panzer isn't a serial killer in the making. He is a serial killer, they both know it, but he can't prove it. He is good, of course, but not so good. and besides, the real problem, is that he has put himself in the eye of investigation in a way that the Police can't help but follow him, and people can't help but idealize him. And, best thing ever, before that, he was a no-one, well known, but a no one nevertheless. They all knew, know him, but they don't remember him so well. He is there every day but he is never there. He is the guy next door. He can't be a killer. People can't allow to believe such a thing. And the police is too blind to see that. Maybe he could get away with murder again himself…. People is so blind, juries can be so easily influenced… you work for or with the police? You are a good guy, and if you are a good guy, you can't be killer. Add a smile and a normal appearance to the list, and liberty is served.

That's what he knows that Panzer will never be appended for murder. Not by the means of the law, at least. Not of the legal one, the law of humans…. A law he can't follow anymore, for her stopped being human a long time ago, merely existing, not even surviving. But there's another law, a law he got to know too well in his life- honor among thieves, honor among criminals. And whoever breaks the chain… pay the price.

He is talking before he realizes he is actually doing it, words leaving his mouth, close to what he told so many years before, but yet different, same subject, a different landscape this time...

He'd smile when Panzer buys it, but he can't, he can't because the killer… because Panzer says what he once did. He taunts Red John, claiming his "greatness" for himself, and those words, he remembers them, it's almost what he told that day….

_….a common sociopath, lazy, sloppy, delusional, an amateur already forgotten…._

He keeps looking at the blinking red light on top of the camera, like hypnotized, and when Panzer walks into his trap, he can't smile, because he knows that sooner rather than later he'll got a call, a new body, a signature smile, but this time a male underneath it, and so many questions…

And even the fact that Panzer is a bad man doesn't make him feel better. Because killing is killing, and no matter what, the man's blood is on his hands…. Angela. Charlotte. Frey (sort of). Bosco. Madeline's friend. Grace' innocence. Lisbon's life on the line. Carter. Panzer. Dead or destroyed, hurt, because of him.

He hates having feelings- they'll just get in the way when he'll have other blood on his hands- Red John's – because, when they'll pay the price, he will as well. He'll destroy them, he is doing it even now, but he'll be destroyed as well, the right price to pay for all the sufferance he has inflicted- and will inflict.

The game will be over only when one or both of them will be six feet under.


	8. Pink Tops

_**4.8 Pink Tops**_

She smiles as she looks at the interrogation going on, on the other side of the mirror- actually, she almost chuckles, and doesn't even try to hide it when Van Pelt comes in and comes and asks her if she likes Summer for the murder. She tells her the truth, No, but I like her.  
>And it's true, you do like her. She is, indeed, a call girl, but that girl… she is definitely something, if she can make Cho lose his proverbial aplomb just like that… and he needs that. Even for just a sec.<br>He is a bit like Jane, you realized sometime along the ride. He wears a mask to protect the others, and out of shame as well, just like Jane does. They are both, deep down, troubled by their past, by the mistakes of their youth (even if Cho was just a kid, full of rage) even if they shouldn't.  
>Like they shouldn't fear to show themselves once in a while, nor to admit that they do need others in their lives, even if life (life along criminals, in a certain sense) thought them otherwise. Only, Jane's mask is a smile, while Cho's… a simple lack of emotion visible on his expression.<br>But for a moment…. He gets paler, and his lips tremble under the onslaught that it's Summer's sexual looks, and Lisbon smiles, almost laughs at the image.  
>Summer is right. Cho's not hopeless.<br>Jane….he is another couple of sleeves, but, like he always tells her, she isn't as cynic as she tries to seem, she is… pretty optimistic for a pessimist. And she does believe in hope. She hope that he'll change his mind. She hopes that he'll be able to move on.  
>She hopes that, one day, he'll move on.<em><em>


	9. Red Shirt

_**4.9 Red Shirt  
><strong>_

They haven't been happy lately- well, he has stopped being happy a long time ago, but Lisbon, Teresa… it's different with her. Lately, she has been on edge, she has been quiet and with a dark shadow caressing her once shining green eyes, eyes that once seemed made of some kind of magical green fire, an eternal flame that gave others reasons to move on, to keep going, to keep fighting. They were like… they were like some kind of reflection of her inner sanctity, of her inner strength, they were passion, but passion for life and people and beliefs, not lust.  
>She is happy now, though, sitting on the balcony of their favorite café eating ice cream, and she is in pace. Even if he wonders if it's not just resignation, if she hasn't just give up on the fact that he'll not tell her further more about Carter and Red John and so on. Or maybe…<br>He wonders if it's not the complete opposite. If it's not hope that is making her going on. He asked her to get some ice cream with him, and now, here they are, sharing ice cream from the same cup, like two corny teenagers, even if she is just his boss- actually, she is his friend, she is his family, but there's no need to let her know she has been right all along. He is supposed to be the one with the ego, but egomaniac Lisbon….. she isn't a good sight. She can be worst than him, at times.  
>She closes her eyes in bliss as she puts the spoon in her mouth, moaning, and he smiles, he almost laugh, hiding it behind a well placed caught, cherishing the sight of her, so free and young, like she has probably never really been before, too taken aback from responsibilities to fully enjoy life. And it's why he likes being around her-whatever she likes it or not, he brings fun in her life, he makes her smile of that smile he felt on her lips through the touch if his fingertips.<br>But it doesn't really matter, nothing really matters. Only one thing is central right now: Lisbon is there with him. Lisbon is smiling, the shadow isn't gone, but it will, or at least, it will fade. Because his shadows are everlasting, but he hasn't intention of bringing her down with him. And if reliving his personal hell, if talking with her is the only way to avoid it, then, he'll just do it.  
>Eventually. For now, there's always time for ice cream.<p> 


	10. Fugue in Red

_**4.10 Fugue in Red **_

She hasn't done that in a while, not for the reason she is doing it right now, actually.

This night, Teresa Lisbon knees inside the small church in her neighborhood, holding her cross like for dear life while crying and praying, praying for her immortal soul, that she could be purged from her sins, spared Hell in the afterlife for what she has just done today, for the horrid and terrible thought that had crossed her mind today.

_"The Jane we know, he has always been there. The murder just forced him out"_ she doesn't know if it's true, if Jane has ever been a good man or not, but she just… she met them all, all the sides of Jane. She met the fake psych, when he still pretended to be one, years and years prior, the kind of man you couldn't help but lusting after, sexy, sure of himself and of his charm, who knew what you needed and what you needed to be told; she met the widower, former con artist who regretted his previous life, a man you couldn't help but feel like hugging, trying to bring comfort to, a lonely, broken soul looking for something, what, exactly, probably he didn't know as well. But they had all one thing in common: both men, they were all post-marriage Jane, and, as much as teased and flirted, and he still does, she knows he had never… delivered. He was a man in love, he still is a man in love (and still mourning, as well), and he was a man that, whatever he did, he did for them. Success and fame were an added bonus, but at the end of the day, knowing Jane, she suspects it was all a matter of giving her what he never had, giving her the chances he hasn't been allowed to take, and not forcing her to be what he has been forced to be as a child.

Losing them, though, molted him into who he is right now. Their loss gave him a new prospective, that despite money and fame, he was nothing without them, and that he didn't care about getting richer and richer and more and more famous. She doesn't think he turned to the CBI to help them out because he felt like helping people out, allowing them the comfort of a justice long denied to his own soul. She is not naïve, nor stupid. Jane joined the CBI because of Red John- and he is still with them just because Red John is still alive, and is still out there, taunting them, him-, that he closes cases is just an added bonus, for him.  
>For her, it's just troubles. Because, sometimes, she forgets who he is, what he went through. Sometimes, she forgets he us wearing a mask for their benefits, and looks at him with longing: longing to hold him, once or twice, to love him, body and soul (mostly body), and, yes, she thought, even for the man she thought he had been without, before Red John.<br>Now, she had met him. Jane before Red John. Jane before (without) Angela. A man trying to get into women's pants (hers included, more than once), conning his way into money, fame and everything else. Woman's pants included.

She didn't like that Jane.

She didn't like that Jane, but, as much as she cares about him, as much as she always told herself that if she could safe their life she would…. It's easy with words. Actions are another pair of sleeves, and it's just better that she can't actually find out by herself what she would do, given the circumstances… because he would be someone else. He wouldn't be "her" Jane- their Jane, she tries to correct herself – he would be… someone else. A terrible con man, evil, easy on grabbing money that doesn't belong to him and sleeping around like a man-whore., and not the consultant, troublemaker, who always naps on her couch in her office whenever he can.

This night, Teresa Lisbon knees inside the small church in her neighborhood, holding her cross like for dear life while crying and praying, praying for her immortal soul, that she could be purged from her sins, spared Hell in the afterlife for what she has just done today, for the horrid and terrible thought that had crossed her mind today. Because today, Teresa Lisbon has been glad that he had lost his family._****_


	11. Always Bet on Red

_**4.11 Always bet on red  
><strong>_

At the end of the burial, you walk towards Agent Darcy, trying to appear as normal and as calm as usual, trying to put on a mask, a fake smile, sad, but a smile nevertheless. You barely contain the bile rising up in your throat, and you are... you are...switched, divided. You'd like to look at Jane, but you are not sure you want to, are able to.

In the last few days, for this man, the one you called (still call) a friend, family, you betrayed everything you stay for, everything you swore to fight and protect. You lied for him, are still lying, are keeping information from your team, and... and you saved him, again. You framed him for the murder of Red John, even if it wasn't Red John the man Jane killed, and now, to protect him, to avoid another process, you lied to and manipulated a Federal Agent, framing an innocent (and now dead) man in the process.

At least, Darcy is (should be) safe for now, even if you are a bit concerned. Both for Jane's safety (despite the fact that he keeps saying that Red John doesn't want him dead yet otherwise he already would be), and, you have to admit- you are a bit worried about yourself as well. You hope your consultant doesn't know, doesn't see it, so blind he is when the name of the hatred killer comes into the picture, because he would stop trusting you with information... and that's the problem.

_You know._

You know everything that has happened between Jane and Red John since he joined the team at this point, and there's no way in hell that the monster didn't picked up on the fact that Jane... that he trusts you, he confides in you. And if his theory is correct – that whoever who gets close to him, gets burned – then... maybe you just should stop thinking about it.  
>It's not like you don't have so much – too much - to think about anyway.<p>

Darcy may or may not be safe (and, at least, Jane, instead of using her as bait, actually did his best to protect the woman), Jane killed a man in cold blood, lied to and manipulated a jury to avoid prison and then... then he killed another man, not with actions but his words, and it's quite stunning how he seems unaffected by the whole thing, because he has always told you that his show on TV, his words, got his family killed, and now he did it all over again. But this time, on purpose. This time, he talked to kill. And now... now, he has (you both have, actually. You may not have done it with your own hands, but you've always knew what he was going at and still you didn't stop him, nor you gave him out) framed a dead, innocent and suicidal man for panzer's murder so that Red John could be ruled out as a suspect, and still considered dead.

Well, at least there's a silver lining in all of this- the widower doesn't think of her husband as of a weak, poor, small and deluded soul any longer (even if you are not completely sure that it's a good thing that she is idolizing a murderer, showing him off in front of the world).

And maybe, that's what troubles you the most, Maier's words- Jane wrote, and red - them, and you wonder how much of them are true, how much he actually believes in them. And yes- if he actually wrote a suicide note in his life, maybe while he was under Sophie Miller's care, while he was suffering from a nervous breakdown.

_"Killing the man who murdered our daughter is the best thing I will ever do, I'm at peace, I'm just sorry that I'm leaving you alone, and I hope you'll forgive me, and that this letter will bring you some kind of comfort..._"

He has looked at you while he read them at loud, and you wonder why. Is it his way of telling you that what you uncovered three years ago still stays, that he'll kill and avenge his family, and will rather kill himself then being pulled down by you and the team? Is he telling you that this is the only peace he will ever know?

You walk away, towards your car, Jane at your side. Seconds ago, you told him that hunting a monster changed him... couple of weeks ago, you told the same thing to the team about the same Jane, only, last time, you had to admit that losing his family brought outside the best part of him.

Now, you are not so sure any longer. 


	12. My Bloody Valentine

_**4.12 My Bloody Valentine  
><strong>_

You haven't thought of Sara for one single moment today- She kept coming to you, kept calling, kept talking, but even when she was there with you, it was like she was in a completely different place.

Or maybe, you just didn't realize you were the one in another place.

You were with Grace- Van Pelt, you try desperately to remember, because she is not any longer your Grace, hasn't been in a long time- you were with Grace, maybe not in body, but in soul. You were with her, wherever she was finding herself into, all alone with a suspect (a suspect who ended up being a murderer, the murderer) and with someone else high on her tail.

Little Grace, innocent, naïve, lost, scared, alone, in body, and, you know, because you know her, in soul as well. You know her- you know her because you remember her. she may have been just a little part of your life (a short one, to be more accurate, there was, is, nothing small or insignificant about what she meant, and still means, to you) but you knew her, you still do, and the Grace who's been heartbroken, she is not the one you fell in love with.

Nevertheless, you are still attracted to and by her, even if it's unfair, it's wrong, oh, so wrong, on so many levels.

You tried to hate her when she preferred her work to you, to the both of you, you tried to hate her every time she threw her blossoming romance (and engagement later) in your face, even after you tried to tell her- you told her, actually – that you were still in love with her. You even tried to hate her when you understood that she had been the one bringing a serpent under the guise of a good man between you all.

You tried. And yet, you failed.

You still love her, and, actually, are scared that you may love her more now that you used before, but, still, you know you can't, shouldn't, it's wrong... she preferred the job to you (she could do the same again), she is too broken now to recognize what real love may feel like (and with your life, you deserve someone better), she hasn't tried to put herself into your shoes once, keeping breaking her heart (she could do the same again).

nd besides… besides, there's Sara now, and it's not only about her, not any longer. It's about the baby, Sara's baby, your baby, your child, a son or a daughter.

There's a baby on the way, born out of love, you don't know yet , can't say yet - you did tell Annie that you didn't know if you loved Sara or not, that it was too soon to say and were living by the moment. But, still, there's a baby on the way, and… and you are you, the boy didn't have a proper family growing up. You'll not be your father's son, you'll be better than him. You'll be a father to this baby, and someone Sara will be able to rely on – as a husband, a boyfriend, a partner of the father of her son, you don't know yet.

All you know is that, deep down in your heart, there's a truth you know for sure: to be that man, you'll have to say goodbye to Grace, your Grace, once and for all. 


	13. Red is the New Black

_**4.13 Red is the new black  
><strong>_

There is a lot of things running through your mind right now as you look at the male body, the body of a man you talked to just a couple of days ago- words and expressions and even mere facts - a video featuring you, Jane's expression as you told him that you've heard that Tagliaferro was still alive, and that you hoped that it was really Red John the man he killed, and now, Rosalind's words…  
>"Tell that Darcy woman is going to clean all this up…."<br>You don't like the sound of it, you don't like that everyone that touched the case, besides Jane and his unit, got killed.  
>"I hope you did kill Red John, Mr. Jane"<br>You look at the dead body once more, fear running through your veins like a virus, and when you look at jane, a silent confirmation of you questions on his face, you know for sure.  
>You're next. <p>


	14. At First Blush

_**4.14 At Firts Blush**_

You look at her, and you wonder. This woman is everything you shouldn't want, not right now, at least. Your family wouldn't want a former call-girl as a girlfriend. It's not good for you, and it's not good for you as a cop. A cop shouldn't date a former prostitute- as much as she claims she isn't, wasn't.

Yet, you are attracted to her. it' not her body- she is fascinating, and… nice, but her body isn't strictly to die for – but there's something that captivates you. Maybe it's because she is a bit like Jane, reading people, and telling them what they need, what they want.

You shouldn't want her, she means only trouble, and you know it, like you know there's no way in hell she remembers how many men she has been with in her whole life. But yet…

Yet you want her… you need her. And maybe it's because it's against the rules and against whoever you've always been, whoever you're supposed to be…

Maybe they are right, at the CBI. Deep down, you are still the gang member you used to be as a teenager, the rebel, the anti-conformist.

You're not so stoic after all. Only, you are not so sure it's a good thing.


	15. War Of The Roses

_**4.15 War Of The Roses**_

You don't know what you are more scared for. You're not on top of your game right now, and this is scary, it's something you hate, always have, but that's not the worst, scarier part. What's worst, what's scarier is the reason why you're not on top of your game as usual.

A woman. You are upset because of a woman, because a woman who's not your wife, a woman who's not connected with Red John.

Erika Flynn, she just kissed you, and not a friendly peck on the check like Sophie Miller did. She kissed you, on the lips, a real kiss. One like the ones you haven't received in a long time.

Wanting a woman is something you've not consider after losing Angela. In a certain sense, you put your own life on hiatus. Everything that was supposed to happen, it could wait until Red John was gone. You told it to Carter, or whatever he was called, yourself, that day at the mall. You have every intention of moving on, finding a woman to love, rising children together. But it can wait, it could wait.

Not that you actually believe it, were completely honest when you said such a thing. You know there will be consequences after you final encounter with Red John, you always did, and you are ready to face them, whatever happen, will it be death or a life destined to end in prison.

Wanting someone is a risk. Caring for someone is a risk. You told it to Lisbon, and you keep repeating it to her. everything who comes too close to you, they get hurt, they die, they suffer, it's either because of you or Red John. He doesn't want you to be happy, he wants you to be miserable.

And you are pretty ok with it.

You deserve it. You deserve it because you have the blood of your family on your own hands, and because you're not the good man you claim to be, the good man you may look like. You are what people call a demon, maybe not of the religious kind, but a real one, one more dangerous, because you are alive, you are like them, a human being in disguise.

That you suffer because of the pain you caused and still causes, it doesn't mean you're better, that you deserve kindness or forgiveness, because you don't. You shouldn't, because what you did can't be undone. Your crime will live in the centuries to come, and so should your punishment. Everything you get, you deserve it, according to your own personal philosophy.

Erika Flynn kissed you, and you… you liked it. Not that she kissed you, but that… that you got kissed. And it's strange.

It's a strange thing, because that day, at the mall, you didn't tell Carter the truth, but yet, here you are, thinking about wanting a woman, wishing for human contact, a contact from someone who'll not be the woman you promised yourself to, can't be, but yet… yes, you feel guilty, but less than you did when you tried to date Kristina. The ring on your left hand weights a little less, and this is probably one of the scariest thing you've ever experienced in life.

Maybe you're not so dead after all.


	16. His Thoughts Were Red Thoughts

_**4.16 His Thoughts Were Red Thoughts  
><strong>_

There are many things that you don't like of this last case so far.

You hate Styles. You can't help it, you don't know if it's because you are a Catholic and, like Jane says, a little bigot, or simply because it's him, a master manipulator playing with people's emotions. You saw how he played – manipulated- Van Pelt, and you saw how he had always took enjoyment in torturing, one way or the other, Jane- so similar to him, and yet so different.

The fact that the jerk could be connected to Red John- probably is, because he always knows everything, he knows too much, and he knows of Kristina Frey when only Red John did – is just another reason to wish he was dead, or the real culprit. You'd be glad to see him behind bars. Not that he could last, he always find a way out, and he is good, too good.

But maybe that's not even the real problem. The real problem is that he made you think, reflect. It' something you've been forced to do many times in the last 8 years or so, but lately, you did it more than usual, because he isn't the only one who has questioned you and your reasons, your motives. Everyone did. Minelli, Bosco (more than once, and not only because of the job, you found out later), Hightower, Ardilles, and now, even Styles.

_"…since he saved your life, you're going easy on him. Maybe you feel compelled to cut him some slack…"_

_"…You know that think you said about Jane making you a better cop - you don't believe that." _

_" You should tell me why your judgment is clouded. That's a good question"_

_"I thought there was something in the water, but now I can see the problem. It's you."_

_"Do you enjoy watching Patrick Jane take over your team, your life?"_

They always are there, questioning you, questioning your motives. And yet, you always have an answer- always the same words, for everyone.

_"I trust Jane"_

_"You know how many cases he's closed for us?"_

_"You think he's giving me bad habits? I think he's made me a better cop"_

_"So, tell me, Sam, what's clouding my judgment?"_

_"I can handle Jane, and I'm not cutting him some slack. That's absolutely not the case."_

_"We solve cases. That's all that matter to me"_

But yet… is it true? or is it some lie you built to make you feel better, to sleep better at night? And moreover… why? Is it because he saved your life… or has Styles been right? Maybe… maybe you are doing because you want something more than justice. Maybe it's because you value yourself as a person…maybe… even… as a woman.

You'd kill for a shot of vodka right now.


	17. Cheap Burgundy

Cheap Burgundy (17)

_"You lock down your emotions, you're capable of great passion if you'd just let yourself go. But you won't, not until you redeem yourself, make the wrong things right. But how can you hope to do that? You can't bring your sister back…."_

_"You are a cruel man, aren't you?" _

You'd grin at her own words. It's kind of… sad, or maybe ironic, really. And as soon as your eyes meet, you understand it. She isn't such a good investigator, isn't as good as she thinks she is. She got it all wrong.

She thinks she knows everything. But she doesn't know a single thing.

You weren't really even talking about her-or maybe you were, and didn't understood who the real subject of the sentence was until too late- after all, as good as you are at reading others, at dealing with the emotions of others, you've never been too good with yourself, or the ones who are actually supposed to mean something to you.

It's you. It's all about you. It's been all about you since… well, lately, it's been a lot about you.

Not three years ago, you told Lisbon you didn't mind getting killed if it meant getting Red John. You told her your life didn't matter, because, basically, you were merely existing, a body left with no soul- _if_ there's a soul- left with nothing after you world had been ripped apart.

Now, you're not so sure any longer.

You care about your… family, about your friends, it's just easier staying away, pretending not to care, because if you don't care, they'll not as well, and no one will get hurt. And you don't want for them to get hurt. You couldn't deal with it, wouldn't survive.

Even if…

Even if, lately, you are wishing to live once again. You told Carter as well as much: once Red John will be done and dealt with, you'll find someone to love, you'll create a new family to add to the one that will never leave your heart, and the kiss to Erika Flynn… it didn't mean anything on an emotional level, connected to the one you were kissing, at least, but the act itself meant the world.

You still desire, crave human contact, a warm body beneath yours. You want the physical as much as the emotional connection. And you've never see that coming.

And as scary as it is, you still crave it, want it, can't wait to have it back. Not now, maybe, because there's still too much at stake (Red John, Darcy thinking you are either Red John himself, one of his associates or working for him), but one day…

You've never been too sure, but you've decided you are allowed to dream a little dream about such things, every now and there.

The smile appears without even thinking about it, honest as it has never been before, and the words slip through your lips on their own volition.

_"I missed you."_


	18. Ruddy Cheeks

**Ruddy Cheeks (18)**

You knew it wasn't right, but still, you did it. She wasn't good for you, was your complete opposite, but yet you allowed yourself to follow back into old habits, bad habits, habits you thought were long gone, forgotten since the days you were just a stupid kid, resenting his own parents so much to join a gang.

Yet, you did it.

You don't know who could be right for you, but it's not this woman. It's not good what she did, does to you. Elisa was too weak, too fragile, unable to deal with your past and your present, but Summer… she is too much, and you forget, when you are with her, who you are, who you are supposed to be. You allow her to lead, to be the master, the manipulator, yes, even the dominator.

And it's not good.

You almost got Rigsby killed. Just because you fell asleep. You fell asleep because you've been up all night having sex with her, and because you are overdosing on your own meds. Rigsby said you saved his life, allowed his son to have a father, but you know the truth. That boy almost didn't have a father because of you. Because a mistake you did.

You almost tell Lisbon what's up with you, but then, decide not to. You're not going to put another problem upon her shoulders. And besides… besides, you want to stop being weak, and there's just a way to do so.

The water runs away, brining away your meds, your drug, and for the first time in months, you finally, once again, feel strong, really strong. And it's good, so, so good….

You're coming back. Slowly, but you'll get there. eventually.


	19. Pink Champagne On Ice

Pink Champagne On Ice (19)

The words said by your people- your team-mates, your team, the people you are supposed to lead – reverberate in your brain. _Crazy idea, trust me, it's a bad sign__. _They are like on autopilot, running through your mind, again and again and again.

_I'll bear with you._

You should have never said those words. You should have allowed him to go on his own. You shouldn't care, shouldn't trust. Whatever he does, whoever he is, Jane isn't worth the price – your work, your career, your friends and family and yes, even your lovers.

You shouldn't, but yet, you did it, you keep doing it. You always bear with him. you say it's because he closes cases. You say it's because he is more open now than before, he is honest and actually confides in you, but does he really? How much there is that you don't know?

You can't answer that, deep down, you know it. Deep down, you know he is taking over your life and your team, deep down you know you are the problem because you allow him to…to have his way, always, whatever it is, wherever he goes.

Still, as wrong as it is, as dangerous as it is, you keep say those words. And right now, you say them again.

_I'll bear with you._


	20. Something Is Rotten In Redmund

Something Is Rotten In Redmund (20)

You walk away from the team with an excuse, needing to be alone, on your own, as bad as it is- and you already feel Lisbon's eyes burning the skin of your back, ready to tell you it's not healthy, that you shouldn't. but there's not another way.

You can't be with them and listen to them talking about Benjamin, you don't have the strength to. You are not even mad at them because they don't understand (though, from the burning sensation in your back, Lisbon probably does, Saint Teresa, always there, caring for the others and never for her). you just can't, not now, maybe not ever.

You aren't mad with Rigsby- you are happy for him, you know his forceful side will now be sweetened by this child, you know he'll do his best to be a better father than his own, and you saw the happiness (and yes, the fear) radiating from him in the last few months. You aren't mad, and you aren't even really jealous. It's not even sadness. It's hard to say.

You just know that you can't keep the mask on any longer until you are around them, in this situation, and that the pinching sensation in your heart is back, back full force, as strong as it was only when it happened, that terrible day, when you were all alone, closed in a white hot room with only your thoughts.

You miss them, and as never before, you miss your little child, your beautiful daughter, Charlotte.

No child should survive their own parent, it's a law of nature that's too often broken, but it's one thing when it's broken by nature itself- as hard as it is- another one is when you are the one who made it so that the law was to be broken to begin with.

And you did it. You created that situation.

You couldn't keep your mouth shout, couldn't stop thinking about yourself- because it was it, you weren't thinking about them when you did it, it was you, always you. You couldn't keep your mouth closed and you made the wrong person mad, you endangered them without even realizing it. You did it.

You killed them. You killed Angela. You killed Charlotte, your beautiful, little baby, your precious daughter.

You did, and you'll have to live with its weight upon your shoulders until the day you'll meet your death will come. You'll never suffer enough, never will you pay enough. You did it, and there's no turning back.

Right now, solitude feels all right, the best option available. You can't have them back, you'll never have her back, nor will another child, if there will be another child, be able to take her place, make you forget. You did it.

You'll never pay enough.


	21. Ruby Slippers

Ruby Slippers (21)

Fi-Fi Nix, that's how the boy decided to call himself into this new life. Phoenix, the mystical bird, rising back from the ashes after its own death.

Phoenix, death and rebirth, beginnings and ends and new beginnings. Death and life and rebirth, in an endless circles.

He was dead. He was dead in the real sense of the world, dead to the world, dead to the law, and maybe, even for himself. But he is here, yet again, himself but not quite. A new man, a new person, a new life. And a new family, a family that's not by blood, but it's so much more…

Just like with you.

You family, the one you had by blood, never cared about you, you were just a mean to end for your own father, a way to get money, to get richer and richer, just like that father wanted to make an example out of his own son. But at least, you've been lucky- Angela loved you for the man you were, the man she thought you could be, she loved you at your worst… this young man didn't even had this. Even his lover was using him. everybody was using him, and so, he did it, he worked hard and found the strength and the courage to beat them at their own game… He found a new family for himself with these drags, and with them, he created a new life for himself, leaving his old shell behind.

Studying the mesmerized woman at your side, you wonder if you'll ever be that strong as well, so strong to build a new life for yourself with this new family that's not yours by blood but by friendship and respect and trust and so much more, so much you can't even say the words yet.


	22. So Long &thanks for all the Red Snappers

So long, and thanks for all the red snappers (22)

You wonders if she knows.

She should know, everywhere she knows, men are at her feet, try to charm her, try to seduce her. Walter hasn't been the first one, hasn't been the last one. It's not hard to love her, quite the contrary.

She finds hard loving, though.

No one is good enough. There's always some great defect she can't stand, something she can't really pout her finger on. She casually dates. She has one night stands, and she doesn't care. she is ok with that.

Her ex, the one who proposed and she pushed away to follow her dream of becoming a cop, has three daughters. He is breeder. She is not. She could be, she could have been, but she didn't care, doesn't care.

Why?

She looks at her ex, smiling, remembering all the good of the past, but not really regretting anything. Her choices, those choices, drove her here, where she stands today. She tells him she is all right, that she is at peace, that she doesn't have regrets.

You've never thought that she could be so much at peace, perfectly fine with herself, but she is. She is there.


	23. Red Rover, Red Rover

Red Rover, Red Rover (23)

"You are sweet" the words leave your mouth on their own accord, and the longing you hope she could see, it's very true, even if you've just entered the elevator - some things can't be faked, and the fact that they are your family, that you care about them… this is a simple fact, very, very true.

She is almost crying. You hate doing it, hate doing this, but it's the only way, even if you hate making her cry, even if you wanted to be there to keep your promise, and always save her. but you can't. you have to save herself first. And you have to keep the promise you made to two empty bodies first, the shells of what used to be the only ones you truly cared about in your life. You are hurting her, and you hate it. You hate it because she doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve you, in any way.

But maybe she deserves it, because, after all, you told her your intentions a long time ago. And you told her some things can't be fixed. You can't be fixed, not yet, at least. One day, though… who knows.

Right now, though, you have to make her suffer, right now, she has to endure the pain. And you already knows: she'll do it on her own.


	24. The Crimson Hat

The Crimson hat (24)

You are alone in your office, and you close your eyes. You know he isn't really going to fire at you, but… you are still scared, you are still going to have a gun pointed at your chest, doesn't matter you are ready, doesn't matter that you know the bullets are fake.

And then, you feel it.

You feel an hard, masculine body, pressed against your own, your breasts flat against his chest, and two strong arms holding you, like they didn't want to get away from you ever again, like you were a guiding light, his last connection to the world, to life itself. You reciprocate the hug, resisting the urge to cry and sob out of pain- the pain of your spirit, not of your body – and he lets it go, moving away, struggling, his eyes fixed in yours.

He points the gun at your chest after having stared at it for an instant, like he had forgotten it's a fake, that you'll not suffer for real, and again he stares at you, in your eyes, without breaking eye contact, ever.

And then, you heat them.

You hear the words he whispers, and you wonder what they mean. You understand them, their sound, but not their meaning, and after a while you'll joke about it, but, truth to be told, you are still wondering about them, about that _Love you _he told you.

You're gonna think about them for a long while, you know it, because he is back, he is in your life once again. And you love him too. Does he know? is it the reason he said so? or was he just pretending? You don't know it, but Jane is back, and who knows, maybe, one day, you'll understand.

After all, he is looking for a strong woman, in peace with herself, who had seen his worst and hadn't abandoned him yet, didn't want to abandon him… and now you know, after meeting Greg, after having talked with him, you understood. You made peace with your past, you faced it (thanks to Tommy and Annie as well) and you overcame everything. You are at peace with yourself, you are strong, and nobody had ever seen the worst of Jane like you did, but you are still there, at his side, like you'll ever be.

Who knows if he was faking. You don't know, but you can still hope. He is here with you, after all. You'll have to time to get your answers, and this time, they'll be true.


	25. Bonus Chapter: The Crimson Hat2 Jane

A/N: the sotry was labeled as complete, but I've been requested to try to write soemthing from jane's pov.

The Crimson hat/2 (24)

You can't look at her. it's not just because you don't have the strength to, you don't have the fight in you to, but because… because you know it.

You know it, like you know everything. You know why you hugged her like for dear life in her office, desiring to never let it go, why you said those word, why you couldn't stay away any longer, and why your plan to fake a nervous breakdown was working so well. You know it all, your side of the story, and her s as well.

You know her side of the story, and you know that if you'll look in her eyes, if you'll allow her to see through you, she'll know as well. You don't want to break her, don't want to hurt her. You've done enough of this, and she doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve you, point, but… it's just… you are both too stubborn, you are too selfish and she is just too hell bend on fixing everything and everyone. You told her you can't be fixed, but she is Mother Theresa, Saint Theresa, and she can't be helped. She'll always try to save you, always try to fix you, no matter what, no matter the cost. Despite the fact that she knows the cost. She told you so, and she doesn't care. she never did, right from the start, but now… now, it's more than that. Now there's only just cases to close, now it's personal, for both of you.

_Love you, love you, love you Teresa…_

You take, though, her hand, looking for it with you tact- you've always been a tactile person. She doesn't need to know how broken you are right now, what a failure you think you are, but you still do it, you still look for the contact, for the both of you. She needs to know you are here, and you need to know that, once again, you made it out alive, the both of you. You are alive, and she is as well. Red John didn't take her.

You are not sure you can be fixed, but sometimes, just sometimes, you still want to see her trying. And you hope that one day she'll make it. The day you'll allow her to, the day everything will be over.


End file.
